It was the day when I lost my mother due to the fact she was totally tired of making my father make realize how his being alcoholic has killed her dreams. Yes, I will never forgive my father despite the fact he now regrets. I, Sam lost my brother Dean in a gang attack in New Jersey when he refused to drink alcohol and to consume drugs.

He once said it is nice to drink. I do not know. I really loved my mother. But she loved my father more I guess who loved alcohol. Dean was one of the persons who never drank but used to tell the stories of gangs reputation due to high level drinking. Alcohol ruined my life and drugs snatched by brother. I am alone and all alone but still it is like an exposed mystery for me.

Yes, I hate my father, I hate the people who killed my brother but still I am drinking neat whisky 20 times a week. I am used to cocaine and it is easily available in New Jersey. It started when I was in Hostel where I was left by my Uncle. My friends used to tell it is like heaven but for me from my childhood it was hell. But when I took the first sip I lost memory of Dean, mom and dad.

I am 27 and I am used to high doses of drugs. I take them as it washes those thorny memories. But sometimes, it feels like thorns inside my own stomach. People say alcohol is a call of god to take one away. They say it is a great sin and is way to hell. To lose one’s family is a better hell or should I continue drinking and take drugs to visit the other hell. I am so used to hell visits, but where I am heading too I do not know.

When ever people come nearby and say “Stop” I wished I would have stopped mom from doing suicide, or dad, but now I do not know how to stop myself.

I wished I could just stop when I started first time. I, Sam, want to say despite you lose everything do not go to drugs or alcohol as the solution like I did which became my life’s biggest problem. You could move on to live a productive life ignoring the black emotional clouds.